cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
