I want to stick my p in your. b.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
operation have a gay friend backfired
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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