he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
