Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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