We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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