Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
