I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Randomize
