sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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