I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
