just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
false alarm. still invincible.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Randomize
