my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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