He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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