He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
