the condom got lost in my hair
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
