i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
