I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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