Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
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