So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
