look no pants
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
