I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
