We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
