I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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