fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize