I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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