The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
