I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Randomize