I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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