Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
