the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
