Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
