Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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