The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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