and you said cock pushups were impossible
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
