I got chris browned last night
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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