a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize