are you still at the devil's house?
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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