I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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