i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
