then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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