How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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