Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
