Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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