Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
