my sisters under your porch take her home
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
