yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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