Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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