so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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