She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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