***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
