she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
stop calling my apartment porn island.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
