apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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