had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
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