he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
