The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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