i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
