dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
